Mind games: Throw out the rule books - women can now think themselves in to an orgasm, like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally
At last! We can finally dump all of that ‘up a bit, left a bit’ sex advice we read in magazines, and ignore the drug companies that have spent millions developing ‘female Viagra’ pills to turn us all into multi-orgasmic sex bombs.
Because scientists are uncovering the real secrets of an explosive sex life — and,
for women at least, it’s all in the mind.
The female orgasm is still something of a mystery — nobody is exactly sure how
it is caused or why, but scientists have long been intrigued by the claims of some women who insist that they can ‘think themselves to orgasm’ even when they are completely alone, with no physical touch involved.
A few weeks ago, pop star Lady Gaga told an interviewer that she can think herself to orgasm ‘whenever I feel like it’, and there are whole internet forums dedicated to women who claim to climax during their dreams — again, with no physical contact involved.
A few years ago, boffins began working with brain imaging scanners to show what is actually happening in a woman’s brain at the moment of orgasm.
‘The pleasure centres of the brain associated with orgasm light up in women who think themselves to orgasm in exactly the same way as in women who orgasm through more conventional means,’ says Dr Barry Komisaruk, co-author of The Science Of Orgasm.
‘The same centres don’t light up when a woman mimics orgasm — only if it’s the real thing.’
Interestingly, the women he examined may all have thought themselves into a state of bliss, but they all did it in different ways: ‘Some women used a combination of breathing exercises and fantasy,’ he says. ‘While others used their imagination
and pelvic floor exercises’.
The fantasies were as unique as the women. ‘Some imagined erotic scenarios,’ Dr Komisaruk adds. ‘But others imagined very romantic scenes such as a lover whispering to them. Others pictured more abstract sensual experiences, such as walking along a beach or imagining waves of energy moving through their body.’
Yet if you think this sounds a bit far-fetched, Jill Morrison, a 40-year-old legal secretary, says otherwise.
Girl power: The female orgasm can double heart rates, reduce sensitivity to pain, increase blood flow to the brain and increase happiness
I discovered I could "think" my way to orgasm when I was in my early 20s,’ she says.
‘At the time, Iwas happily married to my daughter Lily’s father and we were lying in
bed, just prior to making love.
‘He wasn’t even touching me, but I felt very relaxed and I found my mind slipping into a wonderful and relaxed sexual “zone” where I could see myself lying in a sexually abandoned position, naked, having let go of all the stresses in my normal life.
‘To my absolute amazement, I had an orgasm there and then, without any kind of stimulation beyond my mental concentration.’
And, according to Jill, it wasn’t just a one off either.
‘Gradually, over the years, I have become much more adept at thinking myself to orgasm,’ she explains.
‘To the point where I could do it now, if I wanted to. Occasionally, I think about my partner making love to me, but I don’t need to actually create a sexual fantasy in my mind — I just focus on wanting an orgasm, and my body responds.
‘In my view, sex for women is 90 per cent in the mind. I’ve since split with Lily’s father, but I do talk about “mind sex” with my current partner.
‘In a way, it’s about concentrating purely on the physical pleasure and removing myself from all the complications of relationships. It’s very liberating!
‘I’m very in touch with my sexual side — I often wake up having an orgasm without any physical stimulation when I’ve had an erotic dream.
‘I think that most women could do this, if they trained themselves and really focused. You have to totally relax, close your eyes, and think about what would bring you to orgasm.
‘The more you do it, the better you become. It’s a great thing to be able to do, as it makes me feel more in control of my own sexuality.’
What this tells us, says Professor Alan Riley, one of the UK’s leading sex experts, is that sexuality for women is more complicated and emotionally driven than experts
had realised.
‘There’s been a lot of focus on the body and our physical responses,’ he says. ‘But for many people, and women in particular, the mind plays an even more important role.’
This could be good news for the 40 per cent of women who claim to have difficulty reaching orgasm.
Dr Komisaruk regularly sees women with this problem — and others who have the opposite problem with intense feelings of sexual desire that don’t go away even when they do have orgasms.
He asks these women to lie in MRI scanners and coaches them to use mental techniques such as counting or visualisation to increase or decrease excitement.
The women can see images of their brains lighting up and cooling down in response to their thoughts down and mental exercises ‘and eventually they can use these techniques outside the laboratory as well to gain more control over their sexuality’.
This kind of research is important, says Komisaruk, because although orgasm ‘is intensely pleasurable,’ understanding it better is about much more than just pleasure.
‘The female orgasm is a remarkable phenomena that has been shown to double heart rates, reduce sensitivity to pain, increase blood flow to the brain and increase feelings of joy, happiness and love,’ he says.
‘Understanding what happens in our brains when we orgasm, could help us to develop better anti -depressants and better pain management drugs as well as increasing sexual satisfaction.’
‘There’s still a lot about female sexuality that we don’t fully understand,’ he admits. But with the introduction of MRI scanners, we’re learning a lot more.
‘Not only do the scanners show which areas of the brain become active during orgasm, but also which parts close down — and how women experience orgasm
differently to men.
‘For one thing, the female orgasm lasts a lot longer than that of the male, which makes it easier to study’.
Male brains tend to focus heavily on the physical stimulation involved in sexual contact, but the key to female arousal seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety.
The scans show that, during sex, the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion start to relax more and more, reaching a peak at
orgasm, when the female brain’s anxiety and emotion are effectively closed down to produce an almost trance-like state.
According to sex therapist Paula Hall, this is because ‘women in particular need to feel relaxed and safe in order to let go and enjoy sex fully’.
So if we’re self-conscious, distracted by anxiety, or if we’ve been conditioned to think of sex as somehow ‘wrong’, it will interfere with our brains ability to experience orgasm.
But Paula sounds a word of caution. ‘It’s great to indulge our senses,’ she says. ‘Whether that’s through listening to music and eating chocolate or enjoying the pleasure of touch and orgasm.
‘But sex is also about connecting with another human being, and there’s more to it than just reaching orgasm every time.
‘If you focus too much on the climax and make that your primary goal then your focus is inevitably taken away from each other, and sex can become selfish.’
But Dr Komisaruk is less concerned. ‘Understanding the different ways and means we experience pleasure can only deepen our relationships and make sex more meaningful as well as pleasurable’ he believes.
‘It certainly doesn’t mean that women will suddenly become very self-centered or substitute solo, mental sex for a relationship.
It’s a bit like developing a filet mignon pill. ‘It’s possible in theory, but why would anyone want to when the experience of the real thing is so wonderful?
t to know your girl well, before you pop the question. Get to know her interests, her dislikes, and her general nature that will help you plan your proposal in a better way. If she is shy and an introvert, propose when you two are alone. If she is sporty and loves adventure, then take her for rock climbing and propose when you reach at the top.